keyboard streaming....

I had something to day. I dont know if I do anymore. I'm tired but not sleepy. I want to read something but I have no books. I miss my friends even though I see them. I tried to cuddle the dog and he peed on me when I was feeling bad. Its not his fault but I wish it was someone's fault so I could blame them for it. I have like 3 exams next week. I have slow depressing piano stuck in my head. I feel disconnected from my apathy about everything. I can't sleep because I'm here alone. I feel really bad for catherine and I want to make her a feel better soon card. I wish liz would talk to me more about how bad or good she's doing, just so I can be happy or sad about it and not wondering. Hod said to me this morning "wait, so your going michigan? Isn't she in Minneapolis?" - Yes I think its stupid too and I don't wanna. I kinda have been thinking about quitting drinking, but I just keep having a beer with meals. Not drinking, just, I make dinner, I grab a beer instead of OJ. I'll consider it a problem when I start pouring it over cereal. The heat is never on in here for more than a few minutes so it feels a lot colder than it would otherwise. I despise the muck out there since its "thawing." I've had 2 milkshakes in 3 days, I got a craving apparently. What I really want to do is draw or paint something. Like the bunny mask from Donnie Darko, or the drawings in mirrormask. I want to draw on real paper with something that isn't a 10 cent Bic pen or mechanical pencil. I want to create something that isn't a doodle but i dont know how. You know what I want to draw? I want to draw akums razor, like what if it wasn't just some postulate or explanation method, what if it was a sword, one you could pick up and swing. I'd draw it as a katana on a red velvet pillow. I just made myself cry because I thought to myself that I'm here alone. I just realized I haven't woken up to an alarm clock since I took the GRE and before that I can't even remember. I hate alarm clocks, the noise never makes you feel good you work up but at least it woke you up, when you don't have something like that to jar your brain into action it takes it awhile. I wish every night I would get ready to sleep and think "That was worth my time today" so few parts of my day are worthwhile in any regards. I tried making and drinking tea last week. Actual hot tea by putting a little bag of crushed plant leaves into searing hot water. I made the tea and proceeded to stare at it for several minutes. By the time at least 20 of them had passed and several failed attempts I finally got the liquid that was in the cup into my mouth because hot beverages are mentally unsatisfying to me. Then I worried there was probably too much caffeine in the tea and I wasn't doing myself any favors but hey, at least it wasn't a soda with 25g of sugar in it too. I did drink those 2 energy drink soda things they were giving away in front of the bookstore on monday though, the one just tasted like sprite but made me jittery so badly I was getting sour muscles in my chest from too much work. Then I tried the diet one this morning/afternoon. I'm in a food science class and I still dont get that. Its made with the shit they make equal out of so it doesn't have any real sugar and the ingredient list was unremarkable and it still jolted me up like crazy. I dont get how the fuck it did that with no sugars in it. I haven't picked up a newspaper this semester more than twice. There was semesters, years, where I would read every article in both campus papers. Now I just realize how full of shit they all are. Movie and book reviews that I've never agreed with, national news headlines that I've probably already heard or dont care about, local news I definitely didn't hear about. Opinion and Editorial posts written by short sighted firebrand assholes, and dont forget, the cardinal being especially guilty for this, the blog post entry. God those are awful. "I remember going to my grandma's house when I was 8 to watch the simpson's on sunday nights and I'd always have grilled cheese. The moral of the story is bart's shorts taste like american cheese." What the fuck was that. I should sit and force myself to paint more but I just can't get into it right now. I haven't listened to a new song I love in a while. I think thats really one of my big problems, I need to find more new and exciting music, the kind you can listen to 7 times because the beats are so good and then start listening to the lyrics and notice the artistry and visuals it paints because you were too distracted by the amazing rhythm before to notice he probably wasn't singing the bus schedule. I know there cannot possibly be a full day's nutrition in 6 slices of ham, 1 provolone, 3 pepperoni, 1 bagel, small bowl of cereal, 1 beer and a couple sips of water but thats all I've been eating the last few days anyways. I even forgot dinner last night, just plain forgot I was drinking something at my computer at like 930 and realized it didn't even occur to me to go to the fridge and warm some leftovers up in the fucking fridge. Getting back to that thing from before, I need a goddamn book to read. What's stopping me is I need one that I know will be good but I can't have read it before. Usually Maura just kinda hands me books or mentions titles to me and I latch on to them for the duration of the series if its that kind of thing. I'd really wish I could go back and read Ender's game for the first time now. There is a lot of books actually I read in HS or earlier I wish I hadn't read until now. I thought it was a good thing I was reading books advanced for my age or whatever but what was really going on was that I just was fucking missing shit left and right, or at least thats what I think and clearly I'm in a negative mood about it right now. Ender's game, American Gods, or shit what was the name of that fucking book, see this is why I actually buy books, and then keep them. I need to have everything on hand or I'll never remember the shit. Like "oh I want to watch this movie, but I'd have to go rent it, I guess I''ll do that later" and then I forget and the shit is only available in betamax or something because its so bloody old at this point. The uplift saga. That was the name of the books, written by David Brin. I had a hard bound copy of some kind of omnibus edition of 2 of the books and it was like 900 fucking pages or so for 2 of them. I read that in 6th grade, do you know how fucking hard it is to carry around a 900 page hardcover book along with an english, math, spelling, science and social studies text to and from school everyday? Anyways, come to think of it, a hell of a lot of it was based a in a similar setting to Mass Effect, which was kinda stolen off 2001 but hey, you don't bash a vampire movie because someone else already made one.